


i'll go with you

by asforthesoundtrack



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, The Manchester Apartment (Phandom), University
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-25 19:09:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20376649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asforthesoundtrack/pseuds/asforthesoundtrack
Summary: Dan drops out of uni.





	i'll go with you

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Phandom Fic Fests' "Hits Different" fest! Thank you to Alex and Alexis for always being the best cheerleaders and for their support of this fic!

Dan could think of a million things he’d rather be doing tonight. A billion, really. 

Truth be told, he’d rather be doing  _ anything _ than sitting on this mildly uncomfortable black leather couch, surrounded by textbooks thicker than his dad’s dumb head. But he’d done this to himself. And there was no point in getting pissed at that, right? 

He stifles a yawn, sighing deeply as he forces his brain to make some sense of whatever the fuck was typed out on the page in front of him. It’s all English so there should be no issues there--except, is it really?

_ In  _ Hedley Byrne _ the House emphasised the need for a special relationship between the parties ‘akin’ or ‘equivalent’ to contract,  _ ** _in order to support a torturous_ ** \--”no, fuck,  _ tortious _ ”-- ** _duty of care._ **

Yeah, this shit is torturous all right. 

_ But you know what’s even more torturous? Failing out of uni and moving back to Wokingham because you’ve got no money. And working with all those assholes from school who never did anything with their lives and being three and a half hours away from Phil, again, for who the fuck knows how long. Maybe even forever. _

That’s enough to tear his eyes away from the sharp corner of the table and back to his revision. Yet no matter how many times he tries to drill these ridiculous bank cases into his head, those worries keep pounding louder and louder. What were all these government people doing anyway, suing the banks over some bullshit contracts? Didn’t they have more important things to worry about? 

And doesn’t Dan have better things to focus on than Phil’s Spyro nostalgia quest in the lounge around the corner?  _ Come on, focus, you dumb shit. _

“Right. So, article twenty three, in paragraph four, of the Clause for..for…” Dan doesn’t notice how hard and fast his breaths are coming until he’s suddenly blanking on what should be a simple concept. It feels like a viper’s wrapped itself around his brain, squeezing tighter and tighter until Dan’s ready to scream.

_ Whoa. Okay. Hold up. _ He takes a deep breath, in and out, as slow as his overly tight muscles will allow. 

Fine. So this government stuff is bullshit anyway. He can come back to it. With another deep breath, Dan flips to a new page. 

Mortgage stuff. Right, well, this should be important for Dan to know in the future. Or it would be, if he could ever afford an actual house. But that’s what he’s going to school for, isn’t it? 

Once again, though, he can barely get past the first line. He’s reading, but at the same time...he’s not? Not even muttering to himself can help, as Dan feels as though his chest is being ripped apart with the force of all these horrifying futures playing out before him. He can feel his face heating up too, as he fights to keep his increasingly shallow breaths from disturbing Phil. 

What the  _ fuck _ is wrong with Dan? It’s just a stupid exam, he’s crammed for these a hundred times before! He wants to scream and cry and fling the entire coffee table to the ground all at once, and it takes everything in him to keep his arms and legs from tearing through the air and destroying everything in their path. Including himself.

The Spyro music drifting around the corner shouldn’t even be that loud, yet somehow it’s pounding in Dan’s ears anyway. So he claps his hands on both sides of his head in an attempt to keep himself from exploding, and starts taking some deep breaths again.

It doesn’t work. 

Everything in Dan is screaming at him about how much he fucked up, how badly he screwed himself over by once again leaving all his revising to the last possible minute. How he’s screwed his entire life over and somehow, by failing this one exam, he’ll be broke and have nowhere to live and he’ll never be able to do anything with Phil ever again.

It’s just like every other breakdown he’s had over the past year. Dan despises himself for choosing such a difficult course to begin with, and for not having the balls to switch to something easier. But then, all those other courses would come with their own set of challenges, of stressors Dan just won’t be able to face. 

Just the thought of hopping on the tram and stepping foot in that school again fills his entire body with ice. And those papers, so full of words he’ll never, ever know and all those lines he’ll never be able to fill with his usual bullshit…

Then, just as Dan’s got a hand in his fringe, ready to pull it all out, something strange settles over him.

He can’t take that test. He just  _ can’t. _

_ And really, he doesn’t have to. _

While that second thought feels like the only thing keeping him afloat right now, Dan can’t help but focus on the crushing defeat of the first one. And again, he’s back to that wanting to destroy things feeling.

He’d tried this, for so so long. He told himself he could do it if he just focused a bit more, made up dumb songs and shit to remember everything like he had in secondary school. Phil had said his first year of linguistics was hard as shit, yet he’d forced himself through it and eventually a light had switched on for him, and it wasn’t so impossible.

Where’s Dan’s light now? 

What the fuck is wrong with  _ him? _ Why can’t his brain function like everyone else on his--

Oh  _ fuck.  _

Dan doesn’t even notice he’s ripped his revision papers apart until he’s blinking down at the two halves in his hands, lips slightly parted and heart still pounding way too hard.

“Dan?” Phil’s face pops up over the couch, the cut off Spyro music leaving a roaring silence in the air. “Revision going alright?”

All Dan can offer in response is a strangled yell.

Phil rushes over, his face caught between a smile and a frown. He settles on the opposite end of the couch, close enough to touch but with his hands clasped tight in his lap.

“Not well then, I take it?”

“I can’t do it,” Dan attempts to sigh, but it comes out more like a wail. “It’s one stupid exam but I can’t fucking do it. I can’t even get to the uni tomorrow. And it’s not like they can make me, either.”

He crosses his arms, each half of the revision papers still balled up in his hands. He’s fully aware how stupid and childish it sounds, but he couldn’t give less of a shit.

Phil inches closer, plucking Dan’s notes from him with all the force of a mother dog pulling her pups from danger. “Well, you’re right,” he says, slowly and carefully. “No one's gonna knock down our door and drag you over there. But are you sure about this, Dan? I don’t want to see you make a decision you’ll regret and anyway, you’ve only got two more years! Trust me when I say I know you can do it.” His hands reach out for Dan but then he seems to think better of it, pulling his knees to his chest instead and settling his chin on his arms.

It would be adorable if Dan wasn’t so tilted right now.

“I’m not going. I can’t. I just...I don’t know how to explain it, but I just  _ can’t. _ ” He hopes the desperation in his voice is enough to make Phil understand, and back off.

Phil nods a bit then, and something loosens in Dan’s chest.

It’s not much. But right now, it’s enough.

“Okay. I know how hard Law has been for you, I get it. And I hate to say it, but Dan...where we’re at right now, we both kinda need uni degrees. Not that you have to go to a boring law firm after this, because that’s so very not you, but just as something to fall back on, you know?”

Some part of him recognizes Phil’s right, somewhere Dan can barely access. Most of him, though, just wants to throw something again. Or maybe rip his giant textbook apart.

“Well...yeah, maybe, but what if I don’t give a fucking fuck anymore? It’s too  _ much. _ It’s too hard, and I’m too fucking stupid, and I just...I don’t care! I never fucking did. I don’t know why I picked this course in the first place, I…”

And then Dan starts to cry. Not a little bit, either.

No, these are big, honking sobs that threaten to rip Dan in two just like his revision papers. He reckons he could blow all of Manchester down with the force of his gasps. 

Fitting, really, as it feels like Dan’s entire world is crashing down around him, leaving him to sweep up the ashes.

Again.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, a set of arms wrap around Dan’s shoulders, holding him firmly in place as he finds himself sobbing against Phil’s chest. Which of course makes Dan cry harder, if that’s even possible.

Phil doesn’t say a word, just rubs his hand in soothing circles between Dan’s shoulders. It feels to Dan like they stay on that crappy sofa forever but really, it’s only a couple minutes before Dan’s tears slow down, eventually ending in a whimper and some sniffling. 

Phil remains silent and steady as ever until Dan’s pulled himself together enough to swipe an arm across his nose and rub perhaps a bit too hard at his eyes. 

Dan blinks back up at him, and the hurt reflected in Phil’s round eyes is enough to rip him apart all over again. But Dan just sucks in a shaky breath, somehow holding himself together despite how impossible it feels.

“Hey. It’s okay, you know.” This time, Phil takes Dan’s hands in both of his. And the way he holds them, soft but so so strong at the same time, is enough to stop Dan’s world from spiraling out of his control. Well, mostly.

“It’s okay,” Phil repeats. “I’m really sorry for what I said before. You’re right, you don’t have to do this course, or even uni at all if you don’t want to. It might be scary but we’ll find a way to work it out. I promise.”

Dan can’t stand to see his eyes so wide and scared like this. Yet at the same time, he’s not sure how much he believes Phil.

After a few excruciating moments, he sighs. “It’s alright. I mean, you do have a point. And I really really wish I had it in me, but I dunno. It’s just too much.” He swipes his thumbs across the backs of Phil’s hands even though he can feel himself slipping farther and farther into that dark place that’s just become a part of him these days.

“Dan. Can--can you look at me? Please?” 

It takes a few seconds, but eventually Dan’s eyes meet Phil’s. And when they do, Phil meets his gaze with an intensity that pierces deeper than Dan thought was possible.

“You  _ do _ have it in you. I know you do. If you were able to move all the way up here, and stay here, I know you can finish uni. But clearly, law isn’t for you and that’s okay.”

“Is it, though?” Dan hates the whine that bleeds through his tone. If only his dumb brain could shut up for just one second and believe Phil….

Maybe if they were in different circumstances. Maybe if the idea of returning home wasn’t worse than death...if people hadn’t told him all his life that who he was and what he wanted were so, so wrong...if he and Phil had just a bit more money…

“It really is,” Phil reassures, his grin shaky but still there. “You know, I think it’s actually a good thing that you’re figuring this out now and not five or ten or twenty years down the road when you’ve been stuck doing lawyer-y stuff for so long that you don’t even realize how unhappy you are. And hey, at least we get to spend more time together? If--if you want, of course…”

“Phil. I may be feeling like complete shit but of  _ course _ I wanna spend more time with you, you nutcase. I can’t--I didn’t even think of that.” Really, how the hell does Phil stay this positive, this hopeful, always? It’s so foreign to Dan.

He does appreciate the fuck out of it, though. He needs that.

He doesn’t know how much he needs the warmth from Phil’s giant smile, either, until it’s breaking through his icy shell, protecting him just like the arms that are once again holding him tight against Phil’s chest. 

There’s a part of Dan that still feels broken, of course. He can’t see that changing, unless some miracle happens and they become millionaires overnight and he no longer has to face the nightmare of Wokingham. But the way Phil’s holding him, like he’d shield Dan from the entire universe if he could, is enough to send something warm and cozy and... _ calm _ settling over his shoulders.

And maybe Dan can find it in himself to believe Phil after all. Just a little.

They stay like that for a while, Phil’s warm steady breaths providing a desperately needed sense of stability, until Phil finally murmurs once more that it’ll all be okay and they’ll find a way through this. Then he pulls away with a start, leaving Dan’s side cold where their bodies were pressed together. Dan doesn’t have the energy to reach out for him again, so his hands drop pathetically to the sofa.

“You know what’ll make this better?” Phil apparently chooses not to wait for an answer, as he’s already getting up when he bursts out, “Chocolate! I, er, may have gotten you something special for tomorrow but I think we could both use it now, yeah?”

Still curled up in himself, Dan sighs. He can’t help feeling a bit abandoned, as ridiculous as that sounds. But he can’t trust himself alone with his brain right now. 

Blessedly, Phil returns less than a minute later with a huge box of gourmet chocolate, just like the ones Dan always gets his mum for Mother’s Day. He slots himself in right up against Dan, fighting the wrapping for a bit until he finally plucks the first chocolate from the box and hands it to Dan.

“Eat this. It’ll help.”

Generous as the gesture is, Dan still can’t find it in his heart to fully believe him. He takes the sweet with shaky fingers anyway, though. 

And Phil’s right. That silky sweetness must have magical powers or something because holy  _ fuck _ is that good. Better than Dan deserves.

He goes in for two more anyway. Because, well, fuck it, right?

That zombie-like state follows him around for the next few weeks, Dan hardly doing much of anything and barely registering the few things he is doing. He knows he’ll have to tell the internet at some point, but he just can’t yet. So he buries himself in the SuperAmazingProject and in his own channel, doing everything he can to chase away that darkness and the pressing guilt that comes with it.

And then a miracle does come around a few weeks later, in the form of an email and later a call from the BBC. It’s not a permanent fix, but it’s enough to pull them through the rest of this year, and next year too. But best of all, Phil helps him realize, it’s a start. 

Even when tragedy strikes again a couple days later, and Phil’s the one to retreat into himself while Dan fights the flames for both of them, he starts to believe what Phil said in August might just be true. 

They may not know exactly what they want to do with this new life of theirs, but having an in with actual Radio 1 is invaluable. And if they do well with this show (which Phil assures him they will), Dan might not have to return to uni next year like he thought he would.

Maybe he did make the right decision after all. He can only hope that, unlike his nightmares, it doesn’t blow up in his face.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> [Reblog](https://phloridas.tumblr.com/post/187260497836/ill-go-with-you) / [Retweet](https://twitter.com/phloridas/status/1165661804514684928)


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